Bilal Fazili on LinkedIn: DARVO is an Acronym representing a common manipulation strategy used by… (2024)

𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐔𝐌𝐀 𝐁𝐎𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆:An enmeshment where the victim becomes jailed in an emotional pain, abuse & bond that is difficult to break.𝗦𝗶𝗴𝗻𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮-𝗯𝗼𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴.1. 𝗜𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗲𝘆𝗲𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀. If different people says it. It's time to check what they see that you don't see. They all can't be wrong. 2. ⁠𝗧𝗼𝘅𝗶𝗰 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽𝘀: Staying in the cycle of manipulation & gaslighting tactics becoming dependent for love & validation from the abuser.3. 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗯𝗼𝗺𝗯𝗶𝗻𝗴: Emotional highs & lows of their abusive partners make them stay creating a powerful bond.4. 𝗝𝘂𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗯𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿'𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗼𝗿: Victims rationalize, justify or minimize their abuser's actions. Some say or they are at fault & deserve the mistreatment.5. 𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗲 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁: They feel strong connection to their abuser, despite the painful experiences.6. 𝗖𝗼-𝗱𝗲𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗻𝗰𝘆: Victims with unresolved emotional issues may fill that gap by seeking approval from unhealthy attachments, over-reliance & feeling like they cannot survive without the abuser.7. 𝗙𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝗯𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗼𝗻𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 : They fear the consequences of leaving the abusive relationship, such as financial distress thereafter, false belief that they cannot love again etc 8. 𝗖𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮: Children who experience trauma at a young age may unconsciously form attachments to their abuser as a way to cope with the unresolved childhood traumas.9. 𝗧𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗰 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀: Attachments to individuals who were present during the life-threatening event as a way to cope with their overwhelming emotions and feelings of vulnerability.10. 𝗗𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝘂𝗹𝘁𝘆 𝘀𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗯𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀: They have difficulty establishing & maintaining healthy personal boundaries, allowing the abuser to continue harming them.11. 𝗖𝘆𝗰𝗹𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝗯𝘂𝘀𝗲: Narcissistic tendencies, where the abuser alternates between being kind & cruel, being loving & abusive etc making the victim feel confused & trapped.12. 𝗦𝘁𝗼𝗰𝗸𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗺 𝘀𝘆𝗻𝗱𝗿𝗼𝗺𝗲: Where hostages develop feelings of loyalty and attachment to situations like kidnapping, domestic violence etc where victim perceives the perpetrator as their only source of safety and security.13. 𝗜𝘀𝗼𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Abusers often seek to withdraw the victims from their friends, family & support networks. 14. 𝗟𝗼𝘀𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝘁𝘆: Victims prioritize the needs of their abuser over their own. They experience low-self esteem, false beliefs that they are ugly or feeling overweight or underweight hence not attractive, they are failures, good for nothing etc. 15. 𝗗𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗮𝗹: Victims may deny or refuse to acknowledge that they are in abusive relationships. Some say they are okay & comfortable waiting for the abuser to change.( Psychologists at NTV studio a while back 👇)

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Emotional Abuse ChecklistAs I said in my previous post on this subject, the lists of controlling and abusive behaviour people and organisations produce might have a tendency to make victims think that just because they do not experience ALL or even MOST of these behaviours ALL OF THE TIME, then they are not in an abusive relationship.The same is true of the priorities and weighting that each of these behaviours ought to be given.As I said in that post – this is the wrong way of looking at it.The reason I have reproduced the checklist below (taken from the Hagars Sisters’ website https://hagarssisters.org/) is because it makes one think of controlling and abusive behaviour in terms of degrees.You might not experience all of these behaviours or the ones you do, to the same extent.The following checklist has been produced to help you identify and think about the kind of behaviour you may experience in a domestic abuse situation.AND the fact that you may experience some of them to different degrees.It is an ACCUMULATION of the different forms of abuse at different times that make it an abusive relationship, not the fact that ALL or even SOME are experienced ‘ALL THE TIME’.When you add up all the forms of abuse and quantify them you might actually come to the realisation that “I am in an Abusive Relationship”As I said in my post of earlier today, victims NORMALLY only experience SOME of these behaviours.

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ARE YOU BEING ABUSED? More often than not, many people are experiencing abuse without even realizing it. Abuse doesn't have to involve physical violence. It's crucial to understand and recognize the signs of abuse in its various forms.Abuse can manifest in different forms, and it's important to be aware of the signs. Here are some common signs of abuse in its various forms: 1. Emotional Abuse: This can include constant criticism, humiliation, manipulation, or controlling behaviour that undermines your self-esteem and emotional well-being. It may also involve isolation from friends and family.2. Physical Abuse: Physical abuse involves any intentional act that causes physical harm or injury. This can include hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, or any form of physical violence.3. Sexual Abuse: Sexual abuse involves any non-consensual sexual activity or unwanted sexual advances. It includes rape, molestation, coercion, or any form of sexual exploitation.4. Financial Abuse: This form of abuse involves controlling or exploiting someone's financial resources without their consent. It may include stealing money, controlling finances, or preventing access to financial resources.5. Verbal Abuse: Verbal abuse includes the use of harsh or demeaning language, insults, threats, or constant belittling. It can have a significant impact on a person's self-esteem and emotional well-being.These are just some examples of the signs of abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing any form of abuse, it's important to seek help and support.If you find yourself being affected emotionally, physically, or sexually, then it is abuse. It's important to know that if you or someone you know is going through any form of abuse, seeking help and support is essential. You are not alone, and there are resources available to assist you. Don't hesitate to reach out to trusted friends, family members, or local support organizations for guidance and assistance. And remember, JAVIMS' is here to help ❤️.Remember, recognizing the signs of abuse is the first step towards finding safety and healing.

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There’s a serious problem in our society-And it’s how quickly abuse victims are encouraged to:Make things work.Don’t be difficult.Forgive and forget.Let it go.Not hold grudges.Just be patient.Hope for the best.Don’t expect perfection.As if THAT is the solution to the fact that they’re being victimized…Generally, people are quicker to see physical abuse as “abuse” and might be a little more hesitant to make these statements.But “unseen” abuses - emotional, psychological, verbal, spiritual - are often completely overlooked. When someone explains a pattern of relational abuse, we should be asking things like:Are you safe?What do you need?How can I help?What can I do?How can I support you?Instead of asking: “Have you tried telling them how you feel?”“Are you sure they meant it like that?”“Can’t you make this work?”And there are many reasons that victim-blaming statements are so common…One is because people simply don’t know what they don’t know.They may have no understanding of what relational abuse is like, so they genuinely don’t know what to say.BUT I think a large majority of people… are too invested in maintaining the status quo. They don’t want to believe that people could be so cruel. They don’t want to believe that their family member could be abusive.They don’t want to look at the part they play in enabling bad behavior. And they inherently know that the person you’re talking about is “difficult” or has always done those things and that’s “just the way they are.”So it’s much EASIER to tell YOU (a very agreeable person) to:“Keep the peace.”“Don’t make a big fuss about it.”“Don’t make things worse.”“Learn to live with it.”Than to confront the REAL abuser, because they KNOW how difficult that would be.AND that there could be a personal cost to confronting them…Especially if the abuser is a close friend, family member, or well-respected person in society.The LEAST we can do is NOT make statements that imply that the VICTIM is somehow RESPONSIBLE for being victimized.Although we really need to be SUPPORTING victims, not just patting them on the back with a “it’ll be better tomorrow” platitude. Have you ever been the recipient of victim-blaming statements?{Supporting narcissistic abuse survivors is a very personal mission to me. Get the 1st chapter of my bestselling book for free and read my story - https://lnkd.in/euv4u3Ep#mentalhealth #narcissism #narcissisticabuse #narcissist #ifonlyidknown #ifonlyidknownbook #healing

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Do I look like someone who has been abused? It is domestic abuse awareness month and I wanted to highlight that abuse can happen to anyone regardless of what they look like, their success, or any perception of who they are. Domestic abuse, I believe, is still very much stigmatised in society… just like mental health was; thankfully, we have come a long way with understanding and empathising with mental health. We have not come a long way in understanding domestic abuse or violence, or the lasting impact it has on victims. Late last year my ex-partner, and father of my child, was charged with Domestic Abuse Section 1 (for those that may not be aware, it is a very serious charge). On the day of his trial this year he took a plea deal, upon advice of his lawyers, due to the overwhelming evidence against him. He was convicted of Section 39 stalking and harassment aggravated by domestic abuse and sexual harm. There is a 3 year non-harassment order (NHO) now in place; the longest NHO that could have been given under this conviction by a judge. His behaviour has had, and continues to have, a profound impact on me: physically, mentally and emotionally. Despite what I have been put through by the person who should have loved and protected my daughter and me, I have had to remain strong. First and foremost, I have had to stay strong as a mummy for Ivy, then for my own self and, lastly, as a business woman. I can assure you that this has been easier said than done. I feel it is important, especially with the following that I have on social media, that I support and help to de-stigmatise something that may be deemed as having a certain ‘class’ bias attached to it. People and relationships are not always what they seem. If you or someone close to you is experiencing domestic abuse, please think about reaching out for help. This can be by confiding in a loved one, or contacting an organisation like Women’s Aid who, alongside many others, have supported me through the worst time of my life. Please know from my own experience, I understand seeking support is not easy. Abuse can happen to anyone, but it does not need to define who you are. Women’s Aid: https://lnkd.in/edJcXA-q

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DO NOT ASK SURVIVORS OF ABUSE OR MOLESTATION THESE QUESTIONS‼️❌ Why didn’t you tell someone earlier?——> There are numerous reasons victims may delay reporting, such as fear, shame, confusion, or manipulation by the abuser.❌ Why didn’t you leave sooner?——> By asking this question, you’re implying blame or a lack of understanding of the complexities of abuse and how abusers manipulate their victims.❌Are you sure that really happened?——> Doubting their story can cause them to feel disbelieved, further victimized and wish they never even opened up about it.❌ What were you wearing or doing at the time? ——> This is a form of victim-blaming, suggesting that the victim’s actions or appearance provoked the abuse. Don’t do it!!❌ Did you fight back or Why didn’t you fight back? ——> Not all victims are able to physically resist due to fear, shock, a survival instinct or the power dynamics involved.——> Trauma responses vary, and a lack of physical resistance does not diminish the seriousness of the abuse or the validity of the survivor’s experience.❌ Have you forgiven your abuser or perpetrator ? ——> Pushing forgiveness as a necessary step can invalidate the victim’s feelings and healing process.❌ How could you let that happen for so long?——> This places responsibility on the victim, ignoring the control, fear, and manipulation the abuser exerted, which caused the victim to lose their voice.❌ Are you over it now? Or But that happened a long time ago; why are you still holding onto it? ——> Healing is a long, personal process, and this question can trivialize the depth of trauma experienced. Don’t do it!!!!❌ Why didn’t you scream for help?——> Many victims freeze or are unable to react in the moment due to fear, confusion, or shock.❌ But it was just molestation not abuse! Don’t say that!!!——> Such a statement minimizes the survivor’s experience and pain, implying that molestation is somehow less serious or damaging than other forms of abuse.——> Molestation is a form of abuse. Both molestation and abuse can have profound emotional, psychological, and physical impacts on a victim. The aforementioned questions should never be asked, as they can be harmful, retraumatizing, or dismissive of their experiences. Check the comments section for other valid points. What other questions should abused or molested victims never be asked? Share your thoughts too. Happy Motivational, Mindful Money Making Monday! Show someone kindness today! #janicefirebrand #janicefirebrandjohnson#SurvivorSupport#EndTheStigma#TraumaAwareness#EmpathyMatters#HealingJourney#SpeakOut#RespectSurvivors#BreakTheSilence#MentalHealthAwareness#HealingIsPersonal#YouAreNotAlone#SupportSurvivors#AwarenessMatters#CompassionOverJudgment#StandWithSurvivors#Sustainability #SocialSustainability

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Not all family violence is physical. Psychological and emotional abuse doesn’t leave cuts and bruises and broken bones. But the unseen, emotional damage can be as great and the effects as long-lasting. Psychological abuse can be caused by repeated putdowns and name-calling, intimidation, and harassment that make victims feel bad about themselves. It is likely to feature yelling and threats of physical assaults, threats to leave, or threats of suicide. Looks, actions, and expressions might be used to instill fear. Items valuable to the victim might be destroyed or their pets harmed. Psychological abuse can include mind-game manipulation and control of someone’s money, time, vehicle, or contact with friends as a way of asserting power over them

Author: Sanjana GuptaExcerpt: "If someone is being physically or verbally abused, theirfight-or-flight responsemight kick in, to help them protect themselves. If they are unable to flee, they might fight back against their abuser by attacking them physically or verbally. They may resort to yelling, screaming, insulting, or even assaulting their abuser.It’s important to understand that someone who has to resort to reactive abuse is not the instigator. Rather, they are a victim who is reacting to being abused.The term 'reactive abuse' can therefore be problematic, because it labels the victim as an abuser. A more accurate term to describe this behavior is 'self-defense.'Unfortunately, reactive abuse often works against thevictimof abuse, because their abuser may use it as leverage against them.Once the victim of abuse responds this way, the perpetrator often claims that the abuse is mutual, says Connors. In some cases, the abuser might even claim to be the wounded party and try to use these instances as proof that they have been abused, instead of the other way around.Perpetrators may use these manipulation tactics as a way to justify their abuse, control their victims, and keep them from leaving or speaking about the abuse, Connors explains."

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❗ ❗TW ❗ ❗ October is Domestic Abuse Awareness month and never does the language we use matter more! To call it Domestic Violence doesn't highlight all of the insidious aspects of Domestic Abuse and undermines the experiences of those who are going through this right now!Domestic Abuse is not just the stereo typical 'black eye' that it is often depicted as, although it does include physical violence it also includes but is not limited to;Emotional/Psychological Abuse including GaslightingCoercive control Financial/economic abuse Sexual AbuseHarassment/Stalking Online/Digital Abuse Below are just a fraction of the statistics;It impacts 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men - next time you are in a meeting scan the room and see how many people could and are maybe impacted!The police receive a DA related call every 30 seconds! On average one women is killed by an abusive partner or ex partner every five days in England/Wales!It takes on average, 7 attempts to leave for good and leaving is only the beginning of the end! The shame and the stigma surrounding Domestic Abuse keeps victims silent and isolated! So with that in mind, as a minimum just for October be part of the solution not the problem and raise awareness; Discuss Domestic Abuse it in open forums and as freely as you would Mental Health. Let everyone in whatever room you are in, be it virtually or in person know that you are an ally and a safe place and please don't assume anything, you never know who is suffering and you really could be the difference between life and death! 'Shame dies when you expose it to the light' - Bryony Gordon! Be that light to someone!!!

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